I feel like in the past four days (since our trip to the Emergency Room) that I have been in the grip of the ego again in a way I have not felt in a long time. I do not know how to explain it other than that seeing my child’s flesh torn open and having no recourse other than to wait and allow others to fix it has brought out the cave woman in me. I am in survival mode. It is me against the world baby, and I am going to SURVIVE.
In the past few days I have been tempted to steal someone else’s change at the grocery store, I have flipped off two drivers who cut me off in traffic and I have been fighting with my husband for absolutely no reason except that it feels good to feel so bad.
The image that comes to me is one from Master Stephen Co from the Pranic Healing class I took a few weeks ago. He used it in his lecture and I can’t get it out of my head. He was explaining why gang members and serial killers and murderers can do the things they do and he said it is because their basic chakra (the survival chakra) cannot be reached by the divine light from Source. The image he used was of a hand, reaching down from Heaven to grip the basic chakra with a purple white light. I keep seeing this image when I think of people or hear of people who are doing unfathomable things. But it works for me too this week. I feel more off center than I have felt in years. I am quick to anger and I am looking out for number one because no one is looking out for me. This is not true, of course, but it is how I FEEL. Which brings me to the Course….
As human beings we put so much stock in what we think and what we feel, not realizing our thoughts and feelings are not the truth. (I saw a bumper sticker the other day that has become one of my favorites: DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU THINK. How true!!!) I FEEL this week that my husband does not love me, that he does not support me, that he is selfish, self-centered and does not care about me at all. In my heart I know this is not true (and that, even if it were true on the level of form, it is not real because it is not love), but I am acting as if it were true because I feel it and therefore on some level I believe it.
Lesson 4 of the Course (”These thoughts do not mean anything…” ) speaks to the meaninglessness of our thoughts. It was the lesson that stumped me the first two times I attempted to do the Course. I couldn’t get past it. I couldn’t “remember” to do the exercises on that day and I would quit for a few days and then feel like I had to start over. Finally, my sister in law, who is also doing the Course, reminded me to be gentle with myself and to let myself “mess up” a lesson or two, but to do the best I can with each lesson and then move on. And it has helped. I have done “better” since then and I am up to Lesson 18 now (more about that later), but I still believe in the reality of my thoughts and my ego is making hay with that!
Blessings to you,
The Everyday Seeker
